[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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The pasta is now
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward