*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe