Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
the short answer to this question
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?