[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
You Might Also Like
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.