THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
i think both sides are to blame here
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands