Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices