Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Optional boss fight.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.