(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back