I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
You Might Also Like
Bruh PLEASE
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Not😆🤣
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.