horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.