Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Shortcut
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*