[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You Might Also Like
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
what kind of cook setting is this??
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.