Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
A leaf blower, but for people.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically