Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My dad teaching me to drive
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.