When you’re Kinky but poor
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can’t believe I got front row seats
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
bugs when you lift up a rock
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Mad Max: Furry Road
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you