Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Support your local cemetery
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.