With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?