My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
But wait…
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit