*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”