Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
How it started How it’s going
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
#Caturday
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.