if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.