Me trying to “trust the process”
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?