Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird