I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
*pokes sex life with a stick
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
🤣✨#caturday
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”