I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?