me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.