{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
tis the season
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”