I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.