“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
dam girl
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.