An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]