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hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.