Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.