did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!