Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?