the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don鈥檛 think my kid can poop that much
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you鈥檝e been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that鈥檚 cool i didn鈥檛 know my flight included a dental cleaning
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don鈥檛 get it either.
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people鈥檚 taxes.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Life Coach: Tell me something you鈥檝e done that鈥檚 amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.