me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You Might Also Like
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!