Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)