Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
#JohnTravolta
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Watermelon Boss!
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes