Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Webb. James Webb.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.