Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Ok who’s got my black socks?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers