I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?