That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART