Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
do horses think humans are hats
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on