if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.