It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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o
o
o
o
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Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I don’t get marriage
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.