Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought