*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.