yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”