Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Hero horse inspires millions
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card