HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
This could be us… but you playing
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control